Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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