you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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