On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
