Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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