nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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