Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
