lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
