we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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