I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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