Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
