Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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