Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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