My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't deserve a penis
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
