So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Pooping to opera.
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