I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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