Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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