we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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