It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
