i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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