Soap is not a condiment
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
