I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
