So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
