I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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