Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
