My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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