he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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