No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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