I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
