I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
