Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
