Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
