Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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