My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
