Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
