just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
