I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize