I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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