I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
