So drunk its hurt
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
