I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
