My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize