your thong is hanging out like whoa
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
