I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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