I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
