For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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