i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
