the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
