So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
