no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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