A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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