Quick, to the slutcave!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
