In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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