My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
