The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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