It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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