community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize