last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
