She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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