apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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