shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My cat gives me a boner
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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