Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
