There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you had me at cake vodka
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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