Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
