I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
