I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The uberlube is also flammable
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
