did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
